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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27153115">Jesus Christ, This Will Be Fun</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sohotthateveryonedied/pseuds/Sohotthateveryonedied'>Sohotthateveryonedied</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Whumptober 2020 [22]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics), Detective Comics (Comics)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bruce Wayne is So Done, Comedy, Crack, Drug Use, Dysfunctional Family, Gen, Humor, Painkillers, Prompt: "Drugged", Whumptober 2020, steph broke her leg sliding on ice because she wanted to be like frozone, steph is bruce's honorary daughter and you can pry this headcanons from my COLD DEAD HANDS, they hate each other but they love each other okay, what an icon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 22:55:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>876</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27153115</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sohotthateveryonedied/pseuds/Sohotthateveryonedied</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Stephanie is high on painkillers. Bruce is so tired.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Stephanie Brown &amp; Bruce Wayne</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Whumptober 2020 [22]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1948297</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>299</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Jesus Christ, This Will Be Fun</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Whump Day 22: "Drugged"</p>
<p>Title is from "I Know Him" from Hamilton!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Bruce.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Mm?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <em>
    <span>“Bruce.”</span>
  </em>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Still here.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“I think…” Stephanie’s words are slurred, her eyes half-lidded. “I think ‘m dying.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“You aren’t dying, Stephanie.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“I am. That’s what happens in hospitals. You die.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“For one thing, you aren’t in a hospital.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Steph points a wobbly finger at the dripping IV bag beside her bed. “Then whad’ya call </span>
  <em>
    <span>that?”</span>
  </em>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“A morphine drip.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“See? I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>dying.</span>
  </em>
  <span> S’already happened before, which makes me an expert.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Actually, you faked your death. Doesn’t count.” Not by Bruce’s standards, at least. Stephanie and Dick, however, insisted on being allowed entrance to the Dead Robin’s Club. Tim’s membership is still pending.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Hush, you’re not a scientist. You don’t get an opinion.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Bruce rolls his eyes as he scrolls through his phone contacts. “I have a medical degree, but alright. And for the record, you’re in the Batcave.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Stephanie’s blown pupils widen even further. “You have a </span>
  <em>
    <span>Batcave?”</span>
  </em>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“You’ve been in here a hundred times,” Bruce reminds her. “This is nothing new.” But Stephanie is already on a new tangent.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Are the bats </span>
  <em>
    <span>pets? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Do you feed them caviar because you’re too fuckin’ rich for your own good? I watched an educational cartoon once and they said bats eat cupcakes for all four meals.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Tim snickers. “I don’t think that’s accurate.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Piss off, bratboy. Your hair is stupid.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <em>
    <span>“Excuse me?”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Tim desperately turns to Cass who sits beside him. “My hair isn’t stupid, right?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Cass shrugs. “Could be better.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Steph, you said you liked my hair! You said it had boyish charm.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Those were </span>
  <em>
    <span>lies,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Steph hisses. “It makes you look like </span>
  <em>
    <span>Justin Bieber.”</span>
  </em>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Tim flinches like he’s been shot through the heart. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“No.”</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>“Yes.”</span>
  </em>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Will you all </span>
  <em>
    <span>please </span>
  </em>
  <span>be quiet?” Bruce asks. He’s so tired. “I need to make a phone call.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Who’re you calling?” asks Stephanie, who is now trying to lick her elbow with the determination of a rabid panther. When Alfred returns with dinner, Bruce will have to talk to him about reducing Stephanie’s dosage. She surpassed “high” ten minutes ago and is now somewhere in atmospheric territory.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Your mother. I need to inform her of what’s going on.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Steph gasps. “You’re tattling on me? How could you do this to me?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“I’m not—”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“And after all we’ve been through! I knitted you a </span>
  <em>
    <span>sweater </span>
  </em>
  <span>last Christmas.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“You purchased that sweater from Walmart.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Liar.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“It still had the tags on it.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“You’re a fuckin’ liar. Get out of my sight.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Okay. Still calling your mother, though.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“I’ll fight you,” Steph warns. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“How? You can’t even get out of bed.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Just because my leg is gone doesn’t mean I can’t roundhouse kick you in the face.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Bruce arches an eyebrow. “Your leg isn’t gone, Stephanie. You broke it sliding down one of Mr. Freeze’s ice ramps.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Steph smiles fondly at the memory. “Ah, yes. Wanted to be Frozone.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Who?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Your mom.” That makes Tim and Cass laugh, which, rude? Bruce has no allies here, not even his own children.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“I should have left you to rot on that street corner,” he says. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“But you </span>
  <em>
    <span>didn’t.”</span>
  </em>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>He ignores her and dials the number. The three of them start whispering, their heads close conspiratorially. Every once in a while, one of them will look over at Bruce and snicker. </span>
  <em>
    <span>We don’t kill, we don’t kill, we don’t kill…</span>
  </em>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Hi, Crystal.” If Crystal Brown has ever been weirded out by the occasional call from Batman, she hasn’t said anything. Bruce has grown to rather enjoy his conversations with Stephanie’s mother. She even sent him cookies last Thanksgiving.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Stephanie is fine,” he assures her, “but I’m afraid she’s fractured her leg doing something stupid. Yes, again. She’s already been fixed up and we’ve got her on painkillers, but I would prefer to keep her at the cave overnight to heal, if that’s okay with you.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Hi, Mom!” Stephanie shouts. “Tell her I say hi.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Stephanie says hi.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“With enthusiasm!”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Bruce sighs. “Stephanie says hi with enthusiasm.” He covers the mouthpiece with his hand. “Your mother says hi back.” Stephanie </span>
  <em>
    <span>beams.</span>
  </em>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>When Bruce hangs up with a promise to keep Crystal updated throughout the night, Steph announces, “We have reached a consensus.” She is sitting up in bed now with her hands folded professionally in her lap.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Bruce needs a nap. “Have you, now?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Yes. You’re fired.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“You can’t fire me.” If anything, he fired </span>
  <em>
    <span>her. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Repeatedly. But Stephanie Brown in all her irritating glory just keeps showing up anyway, like a persistent case of athlete’s foot. Bruce is almost positive that she’s been sneaking into the manor through Titus and Ace’s doggie door.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“I can and I did,” she says. Tim nudges her with his elbow. “Okay, </span>
  <em>
    <span>we </span>
  </em>
  <span>did. It’s been decided that I am to be the new Batman, effective immediately.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Bold of you to assume that I would ever leave Gotham in your hands.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Why not? I’m responsible.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“You are absolutely </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>responsible. You nearly got killed tonight ice skating.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Pissbaby. All in favor of me being the new Batman?” All three of them raise their hands. “All opposed?” Bruce raises his. “Sorry, Bruceman, but you’ve been replaced. Pack up your things. It’s been nice working with you even though every moment has been a fucking nightmare.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Bruce just sighs. He needs a goddamned </span>
  <em>
    <span>nap.</span>
  </em><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>(i am a firm believer in the headcanon that bruce and crystal are best friends and eventually she gets let in on the secret about him being batman and they meet up every once in a while to drink lemonade and complain about their kids)</p>
<p>
  <a href="http://sohotthateveryonedied.tumblr.com/">Feel free to mosey on down to my Tumblr!</a>
</p></blockquote></div></div>
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